Finding my exhale, sharing my voice...

I've always been one with opinions. Never shy with my thoughts and while often heavy on impact, they often just fall heavy on my family and friends. I'm that friend. You know the one. The one who is always talking politics, sexism, justice. I've been called a 'Debby Downer', too negative, mostly I've been called, too much.

My mother used to tell me, "Not everyone needs or wants to know what you think."

It hurts just to write it. This phrase silenced me in many circles for a long time. Looking back, I realized that it put a metaphoric muzzle around my words, my thoughts, and at times, my actual breath. Moments and settings became stifling and hard to actual breathe in. My only solace was knowing that code switching with the safety of people who actually valued my voice, allowed my chest to expand. In those surroundings, what I found was more of me and more of those like me.

I am a mother now and as I look back on the ways in which I nurture the voice and opinions of my two children, I think deeply about their exhale. Will I model deep breaths, loud thoughts, and expressive moods, or will I hold mine with discomfort. Will the circles I have found be enough to break the cycles of my past.

And then I am reminded of a poem by Nayyirah Waheed,

you can not

remain

a

war

between

what you want to say (who you really are)

and

what you should say (who you pretend to be)

your mouth was not designed to eat itself.

---split

I will not model war. My mouth was designed to breathe, to speak, to share. My voice is worthy. Yours is too.

And there's the opinion you didn't ask for...xo Kristi